


Deafening Silence

by WalkingonFirex



Category: PewDiePie (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chaoticmonki - Freeform, Cryaotic - Freeform, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PewdieCry - Freeform, felix kjellberg - Freeform, pewdiepie - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 13:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2310725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WalkingonFirex/pseuds/WalkingonFirex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cry wants to know if deafening silence means nothing to no one but him. Pewdiecry. Inspired by Mayday Parade's "You Be the Anchor..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deafening Silence

_And honestly, I have been begging for answers that you and only can give to me. My voice crying loud, been crying for days now. And as I start to run, I stop to breathe. ‘Cause I was nearly scared to death of why you left in paragraphs. Words were nearly over us, you stopped and turned to grab your bags._

_And I’ll be here by the ocean just waiting for proof that there’s sunsets and silhouette dreams._

_Well, my sandcastles fall like the ashes of cigarettes and every wave drags me to sea._

_I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, ‘is everyone here make believe?’_

_With a tear in His voice, He says, ‘son, that’s the question.’_

_Does deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?_

Ryan stared intently, the vibrant sunset going down behind the crashing waves of the Gulf of Mexico. He bit his lip hard, trying his absolute damnedest not to cry, despite the fact that his Youtube alias just so happened to be ‘Cry.’ He shook his head, tugging on his green hooded sweatshirt. 

 _Such a cliché_ , he thought to himself. Most fan-art depicted him in a green hoodie, jeans, and converse, which just happened to be exactly what he was wearing. 

Ryan wasn’t sure what had brought him to the beach that night. All he knew was that he wanted nothing more than to end the constant silence that plagued him,  the silence that had plagued him ever since Felix left. 

He spent many a night contemplating how that night that drove them apart could have _not_ happened the way it did. If only he’d apologized, if only he’d gone after him the next morning. 

_If only I wasn’t so stupid._

He felt nothing. He was as numb as one man can possibly be. He was absolutely sick of it, but he knew that the only thing that would make him feel again was the one thing that would never happen. 

 _I miss Felix. I want_ _Felix. I_ need _Felix._

The tears that were pricking viciously to his eyes spilled over and he felt his cheeks become wet with the cascade of tears and the sensation made a deep sob escape from his throat. 

 _This wouldn’t be so painful if he was as miserable as me_ , Ryan thought, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans, the bite of late September chilling him. _But no._

Only three months earlier, Cry had been playing another round of Chivalry: Medieval Warfare with Ken. It seemed almost natural that Pewdie and Cry’s closest mutual friend would inform Cry of Pewdie’s announcement, because Pewdie hadn’t spoken to Cry ever since he’d left him. 

“Cry,” Ken had said, and Ryan could tell that there was something off about the southerner’s voice. 

“Yes?” he’d asked, impatiently anticipating what his friend had to say. 

“Felix...,” he sighed, “Felix is getting married.” 

Ryan had felt like he’d been hit in the chest. He actually had to lower his head and gasp to catch his breath. He couldn’t believe it. He _wouldn’t_ have believed it if anyone else had told him. Hell, Pewdiepie himself could have said it and Cry would have shrugged it off. 

But this was Ken. 

CinnamonToastKen was famous for being silly and one of the _least_ serious guys on the planet. But when Ken used that tone, Cry knew that it was serious shit and he’d better listen to him. And though Cry occasionally checked up on Pewds’s videos and Twitter account, he found it usually too painful, especially as September inched closer and closer to right around the corner. 

“I’m sorry,” Ken had said, “I know it’s gotta be rough. I don’t get it and I never will.” 

As tears filled his eyes, something occurred to Ryan. “To a boy or to a girl?” 

“Girl,” Ken said, “her name’s Katie.” 

As soon as he’d ended the gaming session with Ken ten minutes early, Ryan had googled ‘Pewdiepie and Katie,’ which was one of the top suggestions on Google, right behind ‘Pewdiepie and Cry.’ 

Katie was blond, had blue eyes, had a nice body, and had a nice smile. Not only that, but she really appeared to love Felix, from what Cry could tell from the pictures. Not only that, but she seemed sweet, as many of the Tumblr posts about them were ecstatic about the engagement. Usually, the posts were about how girls wished Pewdie and Cry or Pewdie and Ken would get together _or_ for all three of them to have a relationship. 

Ryan could remember the time the had laughed about the ‘Pewdiecry’ fandom as he too, secretly wished that it was true. And then it was. Ryan had never been as happy as he was with Felix. But it, like all good things, simply had to come to an end. An end that was entirely Ryan’s fault. 

An argument, a stupid little argument over the fact that Cry never showed anyone on Youtube his face. That was all it really took to end the singular thing that made him whole. Sure, they’d discussed it before, but Ryan wasn’t in the mood that night and Pewdie wouldn’t leave him alone. Cry yelled, Pewdie cried. After a few choice words, Felix had shoved him. Without even thinking, Cry had shoved him back and stalked out of the room. When Pewdie called for him, he’d kept going and slammed the door to their bedroom, locking it. He’d expected to find Pewds sitting on the sofa the next morning, waiting for Cry so that he could apologize. Instead, he’d found a note, explaining that Felix just _couldn’t handle it anymore_ and that Ryan shouldn’t contact him because it would just be _too difficult._ _Let’s both move on_ , he’d said. And he did. 

The only problem was that Cry hadn’t and he wouldn’t. 

Which was more or less why Cry stood there on the beach, watching the sunset, searching for answers, answers to questions that just couldn’t be finished. 

“Goddamn it, Felix,” he said, wiping furiously at his cheeks full of tears. “Why? Just...why?”

_Why what?_

Ryan could have _sworn_ that Felix had just answered him. _Great_ , he thought to himself _, not only am I a basket case, but I’m also having hallucinations._ He sniffed and sat down, settling in the sand and bringing his knees to his chest, burying his face in them. He wrapped his arms around them, tucking his hands so that maybe they’d warm up and his shivering would halt. 

_You look cold._

_That damned voice is back_ , Cry thought. 

“I’m not,” he said to no one, biting his lip and glancing up at the sunset. It was almost gone and that meant that it was about to be time for pitch black. It suited his mood more, anyway. 

“Yes, you are.” 

This time, Cry was _certain_ , he’d heard it. Before he could turn around to see what was going on and who the hell was fucking with him, someone gently placed a warm blanket on his shoulders. Startled, he jumped up and turned around. 

Felix stood there behind him, staring at him with those damn piercing, beautiful blue eyes. 

“F-Felix,” Ryan stammered, the blanket hitting the sand.

The Swede nodded. “Yeah,” he replied. 

It didn’t make any sense -- at all -- for Pewdie to be here. He lived in Sweden, while Ryan lived in Florida. Pewdie was engaged to be married and he and Cry weren’t even on speaking terms. 

“I heard about Katie,” Cry said, looking away. 

Pewdie nodded. “Yeah...She’s a sweet girl.” 

Ryan stared at Felix. “She’s a sweet girl, eh? That’s it? You’re marrying this girl and all you can say is she’s sweet. Felix, that’s...that’s pretty fucked up.” 

Pewdie lowered his eyes, knowing the truth in Cry’s words. 

“Why are you here?” Cry asked, changing the subject. 

“I...I wanted to apologize,” Felix replied, biting his lip. 

“Apologize?” Ryan asked, “for what?” 

Pewdie sighed. “For leaving. I never...I never wanted to. It’s just, at that moment, I felt like I had to. I loved you, yes, but _I_ couldn’t accept it. My feelings for you were _too_ strong. It was too scary. I was just looking for a way out and I wish I’d never done that. I wish it could’ve been different.” 

Cry felt more tears prick to his eyes, but he attempted to blink them away. “You...,” he trailed off, unable to find the words he wanted to say. 

“I know,” Pewdie said, bowing his head so that his eyes stared at the ground. 

Cry shook his head. “I fucked up, Felix. Face it. Don’t blame it on yourself. _I_ did that. But you left me. And you left me in a dark place.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the bottle of pills he’d been contemplating swallowing. 

Felix looked at the bottle in horror, realization hitting him. “You came here...to kill yourself.” 

“Thought about it,” Ryan said, sadly. “A life without you isn’t a life worth living.” 

Pewdie gasped softly. “Don’t you dare say that, Ryan! Your life...It means so much to so many people. What about your mom? And your siblings?” 

Ryan shrugged. “And what about you?” 

Felix opened his mouth to reply, but no words came out. 

A wan smile crossed Ryan’s face. “Exactly.” He slid the bottle back into the pocket of his hoodie. 

“No!” Pewdie exclaimed, “that’s not...I-” 

“Felix,” Cry said, calmly, “leave it. There’s nothing left to say.” 

Pewdie disagreed. “But there is! Ryan, I...I still love you. Don’t you know that?” 

Ryan didn’t reply, biting his lip and finally letting the tears fall down his cheeks. He wanted to believe it. He wanted to believe it so fucking badly, but what about Katie? Felix was supposed to _marry_ her, after all. “Katie,” he said, eyes dropping back to the wild, crashing waves in front of them. 

“Katie’s sweet,” Pewdie repeated, “but I...I don’t love her, Cry. This engagement, it’s more of a marriage of convenience.” 

“For her or for you?” Cry asked, knowing the answer. 

“Me,” Felix admitted, shamefully. 

Ryan locked eyes with Felix. “That poor girl believes you love her. Now, you need to make a decision, Pewds. You can’t just agree to marry someone and then go running off to an ex. It doesn’t work that way.” 

Felix nodded. “I know, Cry. I know I shouldn’t even be here. But I just had to make sure that you...,” he trailed off, not wanting to finish his sentence. If Ryan didn’t love him anymore, he didn’t want to know it. 

“Know if I still loved you, too?” Cry asked. 

Pewdie didn’t have to reply. 

“Do you need me to answer that, friend?” Ryan asked. 

Felix shook his head no. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. 

“Don’t be,” Ryan repeated. 

“I love you,” Felix said, heart pounding fast. 

“I love you too,” he admitted, “I never stopped.” His heart was beating just as fast. 

“Cry,” Pewdie said, “do you realize that this would be our three year anniversary?” 

“I know,” Cry replied. 

_September 21st. It seems like something important always happens on that date. Our first kiss, our break up, and now this._

In one fluid motion, Felix pressed his quivering lips to Ryan’s. 

“I never stopped, either.” 

_I could stand here for hours just to ask God the question, ‘is everyone here make believe?’_

_With a tear in His voice, He says, ‘son, that’s the question.’_

_Does deafening silence mean nothing to no one but me?_


End file.
